AhhhhhhhhhhuhhhhhhhhAHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ooohdelah, ohdelAHHH ohdelay ohdelay AH aaaa ahh yah a a yah…
Jeff Probst stands on a beach as 16 tire rafts float to the beach, each raft being manned by a famous athlete/former athlete. 8 men and 8 women eventually float to shore and they start to look around at each other and size up the competition.
First off his raft is Florida QB/FB Tim Tebow, Heisman-winner and two-time National Champion. He is wearing his Florida Gator jersey, jean shorts and clutching a bible.
Next is Amanda Beard, Olympic swimmer. She ditched the raft and swam the last 50 meters just to show off.
Brandi Chastain is next to arrive. The former soccer player is actually wearing her shirt…shocker!
Steve Nash, two-time NBA MVP and point guard of the Suns, trudges out of the water and joins the crew, mingling at the beach.
Sean Avery, the menace hockey player just resigned by the NY Rangers makes it to the beach and the rest of the crew knows they might be in for some trouble. He is MR. PEST in the NHL world.
Danica Patrick the driver makes it to shore and makes a crack, “Gosh, I’d have thought I could have gotten here the fastest.” “No, I’ve seen you race,” says Avery. “You having an early lead then ultimately losing to the men is typical for you. You suck.” Nash chuckles. Maybe Avery won’t be so bad.
Ichiro, the Seattle Mariners outfielder makes it to the beach. The others try and say hello, but Ichiro ignores him. His translator may not have survived the raft ride.
Next to arrive is Sergio Garcia, the golfer. Probst tries to joke, “I thought golfers wanted to stay OUT of the water.” While Garcia sneers at him, Avery retorts, “good one Jeff. NOT!”
Bruce Jenner’s raft makes it to the beach and he proudly steps foot onto the sand. He seems to have a confidence about him that no one can understand.
Dominique Dawes hits the beach and she has to remind folks that she was a gymnast in the 1996 games. “Oh, the same team as Kerry Strugg and Shannon Miller and the Oceanus girl?” asks Danica. “Yes, I was there too,” a bitter Dawes responds.
Rebecca Lobo nearly causes an eclipse as she steps off her raft. The former UConn bballer strides towards the crew as Probst tries his hand at comedy again. “In one of the longest rafts we’ve had to put together, Rebecca Lobo!” Avery and Nash both roll their eyes at each other.
Hulk Hogan is next to land at the beach and Bruce Jenner yells to Probst, “I thought real athletes were doing this show, Jeff?” The Hulkster, obviously offended that his manhood as a wrestler is being questioned retorts, “Oh sorry my show gets better ratings than yours does!” Jenner sarcastically claps right in Hulk’s face.
Misty May hits the beach and the volleyballer and exclaims, “on the beach, right at home!”
Maria Sharapova makes it to shore and Tebow immediately flocks to her. “Hey, you’re the Russian tennis player right?” “Yes I am,” Sharapova responds. “I’ve done missionary work in your country!” Tebow brags, but it does not seem to impress Sharapova.
The final women hits the beach and it is Kerri Walsh, May’s volleyball partner. The two hug and catch up as they haven’t played together much since the Olympics. “Well we know of ONE alliance already,” Garcia sneers to Hulk Hogan, who still appears to be pissed at Jenner.
The final raft floats up and TO is on the raft. The former Cowboy jumps off the raft and shouts, “TO’s made it Cuba. Gimmie a cigar, Fidel!”
Everyone is sizing up the rest of the Survivors when Jeff Probst makes his way to the middle of the group. “I think this might be the first time that people have ever taken rafts TO Cuba. Ha!” He waits for laughter that never comes. “Anyways. I will divide you up into two tribes, Chumba and Wumba. You will be divided up alternately as how you arrived here on the beach. The odd numbered arrivals will be the Chumba tribe and the even-numbered arrivals will be the Wumba tribe. And the quickness with which you arrived will also allow you an advantage in raiding the Survivor beach store. As you can see the beach is littered with items you will need to set up your base camps. Tim, since you arrived first, you have first crack to get whatever you can carry. Amanda, you have to wait 18 seconds before you get to rush out there. Brandi, wait two minutes, then you can go. Then Steve, and so forth. When you get what you can carry head to your pad and wait for your fellow tribe members. Ready, GO!
Tebow sprints straight for the rice and picks it up, only to throw it into a huge cooking pot. Amanda Beard is off and she grabs two bags of beans and seeks out a pot as well. Brandi goes next and picks up a machete and flint. Nash is next and he goes straight for a fishing net and fish spear. Sean Avery grabs a huge water jug and nearly has the second one when Danica grabs it. “Pretty fast that time, huh?” Danica snorts. “Shut up. But I guess you would do well here. We aren’t in America.”
Ichiro is next and he finds fishing hooks. Sergio finds a machete but Bruce Jenner grabs the hammer-like tool before Sergio can claim it. Dominique finds a small bag of beans, then Rebecca Lobo picks up a spoon. Hogan doesn’t see much is left then May grabs a bag of rice right by his foot. Sharapova doesn’t really feel like doing much and TO calls out that nothing is left. Probst instructs the teams to go to their mats.
Team Chumba counts its members and their loot:
Tim Tebow-Rice and cooking pot
Brandi Chastain-Machete and flint
Sean Avery-water jug
Ichiro-fishing hooks
Jenner –hammer/blade
Lobo-Spoon
May-bag of rice
Walsh
Team Wumba counts its members and their loot:
Amanda Beard-two bags of beans and a small pot
Steve Nash-fishing net and spear
Danica –water jug
Sergio-machete
Dominique-small bag of beans
Hulk
Sharapova
TO
Probst hands out the buffs, red to Chumba and black to Wumba. Tebow remarks that the red reminds him of the blood the Christ shed for him. Avery scrunches his face and shoots Nash an incredulous look. Chumba finds its banner set up near a river and they decide to seek out trees with which to build a shelter. “Dude, bring your hammer/blade” Avery barks at Jenner. “I am not a dude. I am the greatest athlete in the world. I won the decathlon in 1976. I have a medal!” Avery stops and turns to Jenner. “And I drive a Dodge Stratus. Welcome to 2009 brotha. You are Brody Jenner’s Dad now. Grab the blade.”
“Guys, let’s not fight,” Tebow says, trying to calm down the situation. “I am a great leader on the football field. Let’s go get some wood.”
“I am glad you are here,” May says to Walsh. “I’m not sure I could handle this stuff without you.”
“Right back at ya,” Walsh responds.
Lobo tries to say something to Ichiro, but he just stares back blankly at the English question.
Meanwhile at Wumba camp, Sergio is hacking down tree limbs while Nash and Amanda are trying to catch fish. Hulk is still fuming over Jenner’s comment and taking it out on some driftwood he has collected for firewood. Dominique is setting up a bed space while TO and Sharapova just lay on the beach. Danica is off trying to find water. “They are working too hard,” TO says to the tennis star. “Cuba to me means Va-ca-she-on-a.”
Sharapova smiles and flips over to her stomach.
In the water, Nash and Beard are trying to spear fish. “The two people that took forever getting here, that didn’t even look for anything are just laying there. Are you freaking kidding me, eh?” Nash spits out.
“They’d better show up in the challenges, or they are GOING to go home. Everybody is doing something, they see those two aren’t. That’s an easy fix there,” Beard reassures Nash. “But you and me though, how about it? To the end?”
“That’s cool with me. Don’t shake my hand though. Not where they can see,” Nash coolly drops to Beard. “And if we have to trim the fat before the merge, I don’t think our guys will mind.”
Sergio is hacking at the tree when Danica walks up behind him. He takes a backswing and nearly catches Patrick. “Jesus, don’t get that close, Danica!” Sergio barks.
“Sorry, I wanted to borrow the machete so Hulk can make fire, so we can boil this water,” Danica explains.
“OK, but will you help me carry this back?” Sergio requests.
“Oh, yeah, sure. With my MASSIVE arms. Sure,” Danica mocks.
“You know, if you are a bitch, no one will like you and you’ll go home,” Sergio reminds her.
In a confessional, Sergio admits that Danica has rubbed people the wrong way. He also complains that TO and Sharapova aren’t doing anything but lying on the beach.
Over a Chumba, Avery and Jenner have collected enough wood and limbs to make a shelter. Tebow has managed to rip out trees from the ground and has built a cross and bench on which to pray. “Hey, anybody that wants to use this bench, feel free,” Tebow announces to May, Chastain, Lobo, and Walsh. Jenner and Avery approach.
“Jesus Timmy, you built that already? Guess who is building the hut!” Avery proclaims.
“Sean, could you please not use the Lord’s name in vain. But yeah, I’ll build the hut. I used to build huts on Mission trips. I know about that stuff. Oh, Ichiro, do you need to be circumcised? I can do that too!” Tebow offers. Ichiro looks confused at Avery, who privately shakes his head “no.” Before long Lobo is helping Tebow finish the hut and May, Chastain and Walsh are in the river, attempting to use the fishing hooks. Ichiro is cooking the rice in the pot while Jenner and Avery rest.
“So Brandi, clearly Kerri and I know each other,” Misty starts. “We have a bond. We want to ask you though if you wanted to band with us and maybe try and get Tim or Bruce and make it to the final four? If we get to the final four, all bets are off, but we can promise each other that, you know?”
“Yeah, OK. I like that. Umm I don’t know about Bruce, I could try and work Tim. I think he’d be a better player,” Brandi offers.
“I don’t know,” counters Kerri. “He would be a great teammate, but right before the merge, we should maybe think about cutting him loose. He could go on a roll like Ozzy or Colby did. He’d be tough to be for individual immunity.”
“Plus I can’t stand Sean already,” Misty confesses. “That a-hole will be the FIRST to go if we lose.”
“Ok, so girl power. Bruce like of looks like a girl with all of the botox,” laughs Brandi. The three women cackle a commercial hits.
Commercial
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The Chumba and Wumba tribe both meet on a long field with a bit of a grass zigzag pattern. Puzzle pieces are at the end and Probst explains the game. Each member will race through the high grass, unhook a puzzle piece and bring it back, once all of the puzzle pieces are back, you can begin to work on the puzzle, first team to assemble their puzzle wins….plates, bowls, cups and spoons. “This will help you complete your kitchen.”
The tribes get to the line, Probst yells Survivors ready? GO! Tebow and TO take off first. Tebow flies through the zigzag and gets to the pieces first. TO catches up and is having trouble with the knot. Tebow gets his and races back. TO finally gets his piece down and starts back. Hulk and Jenner are next. Hogan pushes Jenner and Jenner cries foul. Probst encourages Jenner to catch up. Beard and Lobo are next, followed by Sharapova and May. Walsh and Dominique then race, with the Chumba tribe in the lead. Sergio tries to gain ground for Wumba by hipchecking Avery. Danica trails Chastain then Nash is no match for Ichiro. Ichiro is so fast that Probst cannot believe it. The Chumba tribe begins on their pieces followed shortly by Wumba. TO and Nash are disagreeing on what the puzzle says, meanwhile Walsh and May are completing this puzzle with the teamwork they normally display on the sand. Just when Chumba thinks they have it, Wumba calls out that they have it. TO saw that the Chumba tribe was about to win, so he thought he would try and throw their game off. While the rest of the Chumba tribe relaxes, Tebow keeps works. Probst alerts everyone that Wumba does not have it yet, then Tebow calls out that he has solved the puzzle. Turns out, he has solved it. Chumba wins the kitchen supplies!
Wumba is bummed but TO says in confessional he was trying to give his team an advantage. He would do it again. “Hey I LOVE me some ME!” TO admits.
Chumba gets back to camp with their supplies and Chastain starts to make some rice. The winning tribe eats a meal and prepares for the first immunity challenge. Meanwhile the Wumba tribe is still upbeat as Nash wonders aloud, “Who would want stupid bowls and cups. What a crap prize to win. Come on guys, let’s just win this thing tonight!” Sergio is finishing up the beans and Sharapova complains that she didn’t get any. “You got just as many as the rest of us,” Sergio explains. “I cooked them earlier and served everybody else. What was left was my share.”
“Bullcrap Sergio,” TO interjects. “I saw you eating earlier. You are holding out on us!”
“Guys, let’s not fight. We’ve got to get ready for this challenge,” Amanda Beard tries to calm down her tribe.
In confessional Sergio says, “I am pretty sick of TO and Maria making these claims. They whine considering they haven’t done anything all day and could TO have been any slower in that challenge?”
Commercial Break
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The two tribes are gathered at a big field with various targets and they see baseballs in a big basket. Probst explains the history of Cuban baseball and describes the challenge that the balls will be thrown at the targets with the longer the distance the higher the points. The team with the most points wins. Wumba wins the coin toss and elects to go first in an alternate shot format, despite TO saying they should go second. Dominique is first and she throws and hits the 1 point target. Lobo goes first and hits the one point target. 1-1. Danica aims for the 3 point and hits it. Misty May hits the one point target. 4-2 Wumba. Sergio attempts the 3 pointer and hits. He highfives Hulk Hogan while Avery notes that this might be the first time Sergio didn’t choke under pressure. Avery aims for the three pointer and misses left. Wumba leads 7-2. Hulk Hogan attempts a 3 pointer and hits. Bruce Jenner elects to try for one point. He hits, but Hogan mocks the “world’s greatest athlete.” “Didn’t you throw a javelin? Or a shot put?”
“That’s different than a baseball, assh0le!” responds Jenner. Tebow cringes at the swear, but calls his team over for a huddle. Wumba leads 10-3.
Meanwhile TO attempts a 5 pointer, but misses wildly. Ichiro takes the ball and nails the 5pointer. Wumba 10-8.
TO in a confessional says, “Hey, I catch balls, Ich thows them for a living. He should have gone for the ten.”
Sharapova aims and hits the three pointer, even though it appears that she was aiming for the 5-pointer. Walsh misses the three-pointer. Wumba 13-8.
Amanda aims for a three pointer and nails it. Brandi hits the one-pointer. “I kick balls, not throw them,” Brandi says in a confessional. “That’s illegal in my sport.” Wumba leads 16-9.
Probst explains that Nash could end the game with a five-pointer or make it only possible for a tie and immediate throw off with a three pointer. Nash makes the three and five sign to Amanda who signals five. Nash attempts a five pointer, but is just long. Tebow is last to throw and knows that nothing short of a ten would work, though that target is 100 feet away. Tebow without hesitation fires a fastball to the heart of the 10-point target and Chumba wins 19-16. Probst congratulates Chumba and tells them they will be safe. Wumba will have tribal council.
Commercial
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At Wumba camp, TO is asking Nash why he didn’t go for the 3pointer. “It would have forced a tie!” TO argues.
“Or I could have won it outright with the five,” counters Nash. “If I had gone for the three and missed, we’d still have lost.”
“What do you want Brother? The man gave it his best. He missed. You’d better watch your back because we’ve all got Steve’s back,” Hogan pipes in.
“Hey old man, if I wanted your opinion, I’d have asked for it, BROTHER!” TO mocks.
“You’d better watch yourself Terrell,” Hogan warns.
“What are you going to FAKE beat me up?” TO asks.
“Guys, settle down,” Dominique shouts over the fracas.
TO and Maria join Danica inside the hut. Danica realizes she is an outcast and decides to try and make a strategic move. She gauges the TO/Maria interest in joining up. Neither TO nor Maria think they are in any danger but like the idea of taking out one of the other players. Meanwhile Nash and Amanda bring Hulk over to see who he thinks should get booted. Hogan doesn’t like TO but realizes he is an asset physically. They question Maria’s drive as well as Danica. “It’s going to be interesting tonight.
At tribal council, Jeff asks about TO’s personality, if it is clashing. Hogan says it is, but he still respects Terrell. TO rolls his eyes. Meanwhile Danica wonders if she is being outcast because she is beautiful to which Nash asks her if she thinks Maria or Amanda or Dominique is ugly? “No, but sometimes other women can be intimidated.” Probst finally wants to know if, because this is so early in the game if this vote is strictly voting out weakness or creating a solid, harmonious team. Amanda says it is both.
In the voting, Hogan shows Danica. “I wasn’t voting for you until you spoke up tonight.”
TO doesn’t show his vote but says, “Hey, you have to come into this game to play the game. You just didn’t.” Finally Dominique shows Danica and says, “I’m not intimidated by you, I just think you are a little too big for your own good.”
Probst goes to tally the votes. “Once the survivor is eliminated, he or she will leave camp immediately. One vote: Danica. One vote Dominique. Two votes Danica. Two votes Dominique. Three votes Dominique. Four votes Dominique, two votes Danica. First person voted out of Survivor:Cuba. Dominique. Bring me your torch. Tribe has spoken.”
“For everybody else, grab your torches and head back to camp. You’ve tried to make your team stronger and more harmonious. I hope you did the right thing.”
Next time on SURVIVOR: Cuba!
May/Walsh/Chastain approach Jenner about teaming up. Jenner seems reluctant. Tebow doesn’t think he needs an alliance after Lobo asks him his thoughts on the game. TO and Maria, along with Danica start to rub Hogan/Beard/Nash the wrong way. In the reward challenge, Ichiro and Jenner get tangled up and Hogan starts to mock Jenner once again. Finally, someone is sent to exile island.
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