The dominance scale!

I have had some people ask me about the dominance scale, believing that it was never actually thought out. ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE I once put this down. It was on myspace, but now it is on SBF. Enjoy. INTO THE MYSPACE VAULTS EVERYONE!

From June 2006.....
I know you guys have been awaiting this for quite some time, aka since I was drunk at the beach, so here goes with the Official Dominance Scale

1) Humans. Obvie. We are smart, we created guns and zoos and WE HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS

2) Bears. While Grizzly, Black, and Golden are all frightening, I believe they are all not as dangerous as the Polar. If you were to eat a bite of a Polar Bear's liver, you die. They are lethal. Plus they'd probably kill you for your Coke if you were at a Pole, freezing your ass off.

3) Sharks. Their ADD moves them down-they have to keep moving in order to breath. Plus Dolphins can kill them and people pay to swim with Dolphins. How can you be killed by something that gets caught in Tuna Nets?

SIDE NOTE: If this were the vacuum, I think Bears do have the edge over Sharks. Bears can strike while on all fours OR stand up for a two swing approach. Sharks can't really go vertical. Plus Sharks just have the teeth. Bears have the fangs and claws. 2 v 1 wins IN THE VACUUM.

4) Monkeys. Pros: Congo scared me; the thought of King Kong would certainly move these guys up(though Kong was seduced by Naomi Watts, which face it, is something Humans would never fall for, dominance for Humans); and the opposable thumb potential is there. Cons: We still own guns; red asses move them down.

5) Wild Boars/Razorbacks With the sharp tusks and they run fast. Plus tough skin. However, I think Humans take them in the long haul. I see pictures of spits all the time with hogs of some sort on them.

6) Elephants. They TOO have tusks and are REALLY big. But as Lee Corso would say, "NOT so fast my friend!" They are really slow. And they cry. Like Urban Meyer.

7) Horses. Look what they did to Superman! Though they do lose points that if they break a leg WE turn them into glue that our children eat. HAHAHAHAHA

8) Birds of Prey. Now I am not talking about Owls(what are they going to screech at us, make us pick up litter) or Hawks(are they going to play swingman on us) or Falcons(are they going to throw an interception on us). No I am talking about Ducks. Those plucky sonsabitches. Seagulls too. I saw The Birds. If they banded together, we'd be in trouble. Big "if" though.

9) Lions and Tigers and other Jungle Cats. Since I am never going to Africa, I think I am safe. What you say, am I scared? NO I am making the dominant choice of preferring to see them on MY turf, at a zoo. This is what the most dominant team in the regular season gets in the postseason. I am making the same rules apply. Also, last time I check, I wouldn't be scared of the Lions anyways. Detroit sucked last year, and UGA owns Mike the Tiger, who lives IN A CAGE.

10) Whales, Dolphins, other fish. Anything that beaches itself isn't the smartest animal, though some whales do have 16 ft wangs. I don't know where they'd put that if they were humans, but it kinda makes me feel bad about the soup can.

11)Jellyfish. Anything I can take down with a boogyboard, IS NOT DOMINANT. Plus I like saying Boogy.

12) Ants, Bees, Insects. Anything I can kill with RAID or my SHOE is not dominant. Killer Moth aside Sean, but I am known as The Moth Killa!

*Note if Dinosaurs were still around they would clearly be #1. Anything that can eat me in one gulp wins. Some would argue that a lion or shark could eat me. Really? A shark, on land? Interesting. In water? Not when I go down in my shark cage and shoot them with a harpoon ALL WHILE USING MY OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Also, Rick made the arguement at the beach about a virus. Not when I flush the petri dish it is in.

That is what this scale comes down to. We are the smartest, best suited to run the world. We win, they lose. I am finito!