Gauntlet 3/the 1996 Olympic basketball gold medal game

Nothing gives me greater joy on a Wednesday night at 10pm is turning on MTV and being surprised by a BRAND NEW SEASON of Real World/Road Rules: Gauntlet 3. How fantastic was last night's show, only for the actual comedy that it offered, I mean.

We start the show with the brand new intro where the rookies are walking around the dinosaur skeleton? looking at each other when suddenly Johnny Bananas and Kenny started coming through the sand like a bunch of handsome zombies. The vets are introduced as sand zombies which I think I prefer to the last one where the Bad Asses were animals chasing the Good Guys.

But after the intros were finished, I really didn't recognize half of the rookies and a few of the vets, but I chalk that up to the fact that I didn't have MTV when I lived in Clayton, and I missed a few of the Real World seasons....also the fact that people REALLY stopped watching Road Rules after season 3 maybe?

So we first have a tug of war where the Vets(2 or more previous challenges) line up across from the Rookies (by rookies they mean 1 or no previous challenges). The Vets CRUSH the rooks, which is no real surprise since the Vets have that big fat country guy from Fresh Meat on their team and the Rooks had Tyrie anchoring their line. Not fair really.

Then I looked at the teams....The sides aren't fair. Johnny Bananas, CT, Kenny, Evan Coral, Fat dude from Freshmeat(Eric), Ev, Danny aka Blinky from Austin, Beth, Casey, Robin, Brad and Paula Walnuts. Freaking Stacked! The weak players: Adam (the smallest guy there) and Katie (she smokes 8 packs of cigarettes a day) Diem (is she still AROUND? I wonder which dude she will hook up with to stay on THIS time?) This team could ONLY be better if you switched out Adam for Abram and Danny for Alton, but that's IT! Holy crap, this is like the dream team in basketball from 1996 (not 1992 because Alton isn't there, but the 96 team was pretty darn good too)

Apparently Diem and CT are still together. I guess these relationships formed on MTV really ARE about love and not fleeting "fame" PS, Blinky and Melinda have pushed back the wedding so they could appear on this show. "Honey, we could get married, but let's appear on MTV first." Good idea. And Johanna and Wes are still together. Wow. good for them. Apparently Johanna suffers from the same bullet to the brain so she doesn't feel pain like that villain from James Bond.

As for the rookies: Johanna, Tyrie, Rachel(aka fatty from Austin), Zack, Brooke, Alex (of Denver), Jillian (who?) Derek (not the "good" but some new guy named Derek-that must have confused TJ Lavin), Angel (who?) Tyler (awesome), Janelle (taking a break from "personal relations") Frank, Tori (who? oh Miss Virginia. yeah she's losing that crown this trip), Melinda, Nehemiah (apparently his probation from the Austin incident is up?) and Ryan (gay dude from Fresh Meat). Wow, what a collection of crap there. This is going to be more one-sided that a political debate between John McCain and Paris Hilton.

But the big news is that Brooke has sworn off guys and is now a lezbinen. Huh? What? And then she goes and full-on makes out with Ev (who apparently is ALSO a lezbinen) Wow. That was intense for the first 14 minutes of the Gauntlet. Actually there was hooking up all over the place. Ryan and Tyler, Paula with two people and then Brad and Tori(Miss Virginia crown is going bye-bye) In fact I wonder if that was part of her speech If you win Miss Virginia, what will you do to promote the state in say, Mexico? Well, hook up with as many celebrealities as I can!

So on to the first challenge, it is basically musical chairs but with balls and mud. It gets down and the Vet guys beat the rookie guys...by a LOT. and as for the girls, after some drama where Coral claims Ev has a pen-is, Robin loses to somebody, not important. So a tie-breaker takes place between CT and Derek. When the rookies announced Derek would represent them, did you see the Look on TJ Lavin's face? He was thinking, "Derek, you got bigger and changed your face!" Then the producers told him it was a different Derek and they were forced to reshoot the scene. But CT destroys new Derek and Derek drops the first "chopping block" comment of the series. Seriously, can we STOP using the expression CHOPPING BLOCK? I hate that expression.

And memo to TJ Lavin: Stop calling yourself a professional BMX dirt biker, whatever. You are a professional MTV challenge host now. It is OK. CT and Johnny Bananas would rather do this stuff to opposed to get a real job. It is just easier. It's OK, TJ.

Well in the first Gauntlet Alex and Nehemiah are supposed to go head to head after the Vets choose Nehemiah and he then chooses to oppose Alex. Alex says "I hope its nothing that makes me use my weight or strength" right, because this year checkers is now one of the gauntlet games. After Alex gives up in 11 minutes, Nehemiah wins and Alex punks out.

That night, the producers realize how stacked this is going to be, so they tell Katie(while she is smoking) to talk to Beth and Corel about how the guy vets are going to try and kick them out, since it is an all-or-nothing thing in terms of prize money. So the girls decide they will tank missions on purpose so their OWN guys will go home. Good decision, send CT and Kenny and Evan home so you can struggle to carry heavy stuff in the final gauntlet. Yeah, you guys will TOTALLY WIN! Yeah, Katie, let's see you try and COMPLETE the race course or whatever, since you will need a smoke break every 30 feet. Give me a break. You can "trim the fat" a little, but tanking so much you send your best players home? Dumb call there!

The rookies think that they have an advantage because, "even though," according to Rachel/fatty, "they have all of the experience and big tough talent, they also have a bunch of drama going on over there. The Rookies don't have that." Really, Rachel, meet Brooke. Meet Tyler. Janelle and Tyrie are there too. I don't think you are out of the woods JUST YET.

Finally Corel and CT get into a shouting match and Johanna and Rachel think they have won something, but Corel knows the team needs CT and CT knows he is a bad ass. She then yells at Diem to control him, then says you aren't responsible for his actions. Diem also gets blown off by CT. Ohhhhhhh NOOOO! Could this be the end of the relationship? Who will Diem be sleeping with in three days?

Questions for the future episodes.....

If Danny aka Blinky goes into the Gauntlet, will he again draw a tear on his face, and his mom's name on his arm, then dedicate the gauntlet to her, before quitting again?

Will CT actually kill someone in a head to head gauntlet? In the sudden death mud ball match, it looked like was going to wait for Derek to start running, then run up behind him and snap his neck. It just did. The guy needs to tone it down a touch.

Will the Miss Virginia association come to Mexico and take Tori's crown away, or will they wait for her to come back to the Old Dominion state?

Who will Diem sleep with to make it 3 rounds farther than she would have normally?

How long before Adam tries to bond with Tyrie and Nehemiah because they are all black and Tyrie and Nehemiah both throw him off the cliff that sits by the house?

How will get the most ass, Kenny, JB or Evan? I am thinking JB, because, well, come on. He is Johnny Bananas!

My final question, how will the producers rig this thing to make it seem fair? The Vets SHOULD KILL the Rookies, but the show sometimes MAKES the weaker team win one or two in a row to make it seem fair.