Friday picks-Thank GOD I'm not from New Jersey

Before we begin the final picks blog of the year (except for the Bowl picks, of course,) I MUST comment on last night's premiere of The Jersey Shore on MTV. First off, I always thought Guido was a derogatory expression meant to insult the middle-to-lower class of New York/New Jersey males, typically of Italian descent. But these four fools were embracing the expression, proudly calling themselves and their friends Guidos. I guess Guido is Italian for "unemployed meathead." It seemed to me like these guys just lived at their parents' homes, popped roids and worked out before heading to work at Vinny's Pizza Parlor. Oh, and they also act like they are seven AT ALL TIMES. In arguing with each other, the liberal use of the words slut and whore and even when talking to these sluts and whores, aka the other sex. And the weird thing is, apparently the women (who refer to themselves as Guidettes. wow) seem to GO for these guys. So freaking strange.
Anyways, looking at the cast, you've got Mike aka The Situation. Why is he called "The Situation?" He simply pulls his shirt up and says, "This is the Situation!" He has abs apparently like Rambo. This guy is 29, yet acts like a nine year old. Yeah, only slightly more mature than the rest of the seven year olds.

Vinny, (I'm NOT making that up) lives with his parents because he just graduated from college. "Not all guidos are dumb!" he claims. Sure! Congrats on graduating from refrigerator repair college! Maytag is calling! PS, he got pinkeye in the first episode. Oh, and Vinny also gives a breakdown of how he likes to do the fistpump dance. Literally just pumping your fist. This gets women, if you take your shirt off. COOL!

Ronnie is a meathead douche.
And Pauley D says he takes 40 minutes to do his hair everyday, but it ALWAYS comes out perfect. And if by perfect, you mean greasy looking in a bride of Frankenstein way, then YES. PERFECT. This guy gets women by being a DJ (He calls himself DJ GUIDO. I cannot make this stuff up!) and he tried to hook up with one of his female roommates (Guidettes, sorry) by putting his face about 2 inches away from hers and smiling like a shithead.WOW, Bro, you gotts skillz!

Moving on to the guidettes,
there was Sweetheart Sammi, who says she is attracted to guidos. She is short with a horrible Jersey/New York accent, long dark hair that she sometimes poofs up with lots of hair spray, and wears see-thru clothing that shows off her untoned body, yet she calls herself HOTT.
Angela, who has a guido for a boyfriend, yet says she is going to hook up. She doesn't carah (I think she meant to say care). If I were to describe her, I'd say Sammi's twin
Snot is another one (snozzie or something.) she threw up and the first night then threatened for about 24 hours that she was going to leave, though no one seemed to care. She decided to stick around. Good thing. We'd have to get another guidette. Oh, you want a physical description? Short. Fat. poofy black air, attracted to guidos. A twin of Sammi.
I don't remember the last one's name. But she is just like the other three. I'm not kidding. At first I thought it was four guys and one girl in the same house, until I realized all four girls looked and acted exactly the same.
And boy do those guidettes like to use the expression WHORE. They are insulting their own kind! I think the guidettes are calling other guidettes whores? Cannibals don't eat cannibals. Why are these people doing this to each other?

Anyway, the big drama was The Situation wanted to hook up with Sweetheart Sammi, even holding her hand, but then he was attracted to some other guidettes in the hottub, who decided to get naked in the MTV hottub after hearing these meatheads whistling at them from their roof. Then these guidettes start kissing each other, pissing off the other guidettes, who call them whores, but are just angry that these guidettes are moving in on their guidos. (I was just trying to type guido as many times as I could there.) Anyways, Sammi decides to get back at THE SITUATION by hooking up with his guido-twin Ronnie (I would say that she probably thought it was THE SITUATION because he's just as much of a stroided up meathead, but I think they can tell the difference up there). as for the rest of the two hour episode, Snot threw up then threatened to leave but ultimately stayed because no one was paying attention to her and maybe she was trying to punish them?
Oh, one of the guidettes called her guido boyfriend after she cheated on him and he was at work in a meeting (they have meetings at Vinny's Pizza?) so he couldn't talk. What does she do? She calls him back immediately 8 times. Hmmmm, he isn't picking up. LET'S TRY HIM AGAIN EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD ME HE COULDN'T TALK AS HE WAS IN A MEETING AT WORK! I think this chick then went and hooked up with Pauley D, but again it could have been one of the other guidettes, since they all look the same.
In the scenes for what is coming up, one of the guidos hits one of the guidettes and I think they show the cops arresting just about all of the housemates at one time or another. ROID RAGE will do that! So will being white trash.
I don't want to hear northerners EVER make fun of people living south of the Mason-Dixon line EVER AGAIN. You call some of the natives here rednecks, I'll just point to this show. BALLGAME OVER. I WIN.

Let's move on to the picks,

Thursday's Civil War thoughts.
No.7 Oregon beat No.17 Oregon State. The Ducks beat the beavers and I will say I BELIEVE IT. A duck one bit me and they are birds of prey. A beaver has never bitten me, but I think I'd just kick the little buck-teethed rodent. Chip Kelly, good job rallying after you lost to Boise State (thanks for letting them run the table FYI!), suffered through LeGarrett Blount (way to let him back on the team after suspending him for the entire season!), then beat USC before losing to Stanford. I actually will be rooting for you against ohio state, but I won't be watching. Sorry. Oregon State, meanwhile, Quizz Rogers, DUDE, you should have won this game for your team. I guess you peaked against USC last year.

Saturday's games
No.5 Cincy @ #15 Pitt. The Stache lost last week to West Va because I guess things were going a little too well. Doesn't matter. If he wins, he's in the Orange Bowl against the ACC winner. Odds are, the stache loses this game too. Cincy's coach wants ND to pay thru the NOSE for him, so I am guessing he runs up the score.

No.21 Houston @ ECU. Case Keenum makes his case for the Heisman. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously though, You really want to go with a team coached by a guy named Skip? WHat is this, a Malcolm in the middle movie? Go with Houston.

#23 West VA @ Rutgers. I wonder how many Guidos will be in attendance for this one! PS, the whole Greg Shiano/Eddie Fogler decision might need a new member to that group as in Jon Jancek. The former UGA co-defensive coordinator was a LB coach under Mark Richt when he was offered the DCoor job at South Florida. Richt kept him on board with a bump up to Co-coordinator, even though Willie still called the defense. Jancek is now seeking employment. Take WVA over the Guidos.

FrezNO State @ Illinois. See, Zook, typically you want to face the easy teams at the BEGINNING of the year, that way you can build momentum for the year. Maybe you can try that next season when you are head coach at William & Mary. Zookers win Ronny's last game.

New Mexico State @ #6 Boise State. Boise State wraps up the conference schedule with a real toughie. Take the Broncs. NO SHITE SHERLOCK! (PS, looking forward to that movie, even with the addict playing Holmes.)

Arizona @ #18 USC. Did Pete Carroll really do to UCLA what he got pissed at Stanford for doing to him? I thought so. You stay classy Trojans. I wonder if he'll run the score up on Arizona too, all as he tries to get back at Stanford. Honestly though, if you are going to get mad at folks for doing that stuff to you, don't do it to them. Didn't Confucious say something about that once?

No.1 Florida v No.2 Alabama. I really do think Bama's defense can topple Florida's Tim Tebow. I think Saban is still seething over last season. The Tide's offense is worse than last year, but the defense is better and McElroy makes enough plays along wtih Mark Ingram running for a Heisman to overcome Tim Tebow. I hope Tebow cries after the game. Well, we all know he will, but I hope they are tears of sorrow. Florida has a strong defense, but just like when Bebe dropped the pass, I think the Univserse is starting to come back around for Georgia.

No.19 Cal @ U-Dub. WAY TO GO PAC-10! ANOTHER EXCITING GAME ON THE FINAL WEEKEND OF THE YEAR! Wait, no one is going to watch. Cal

#3 Texas v #22 NEbraska in the Big12 championship game. I love how people are STILL trying to say NU has a chance. STOP IT FOLKS! Colt McCoy wins this game, gets a shot that the BCS Title and wins a Heisman. And he'll win the Heisman because he'll beat a defense that everyone is now thinking is really good! ESPN is making up a conspiracy for him to win! On a Big12 side note, Mangino resigned yesterday. KU lost the big guy probably because of the former players saying he was mean, but come on...The record sucked, the AD didn't like him, and he benched the best player to come through KU in 30 years in a game that he could have won! Idiot. He deserved to go. Now he'll just be an Arby's spokesman. He'll drown his sorrow in Arby's sauce.

#10 GT v Clemson (notice GT wasn't No.7 anymore. Georgia Bulldogs.) Hey ESPN and ABC. way to put two championship games on at the same time! You didn't want GT/Clemson at, say 1pm on ABC? Dumb Dumb Dumb. actually, I'll watch this over Texas/Nebraska, but that is only because I want to watch CJ Spiller and Dabo try and win CJ the Heisman. Maybe Dabo will just yell at him for a while. HA. These two teams played it close on the Flats and so you'd think that Clemson at a neutral site would win a close one, but I am going with the UGA/LSU2003 theory and GT wins. I wonder though if CPJ will put the 30-24 score on these rings. Wait, that's right. That's not that big of a game. And anyways, what has Georgia won since 1980? What has GT won? Half of a national championship given out by an organization that went OOB, probably because they gave GT 1/2 of a national championship in 1990. Yeah, I went there. GT has won half of something since 1980. GO PAUL JOHNSON! Tech wins.....but I can come back with 30-24. and I think most Techies would trade a win here for one last week. Oh, you won the ACC? Cool you are the champion of the 4th best conference in College football! Cool!